4/6/24
I could be so good to you. I would be so patient. All I need is for you to throw me a bone, baby. Take a chance. I'm not much but I could try to be. I can understand you in a way that I don't think anyone else will. But maybe you don't want that. Maybe you like being bored. I am easily impressed. I just want you to look at me. That's all. Did you notice all of the times I could have blinked, but didn't? Can you try communicating with me like that? It's not hard. I swear it won't tire you out too much. And if it does, I'm sorry. I already feel bad. I can hear the boulder coming back down the hill. It's good you left me halfway. I don't want you to get hurt, though if you ever did, it wouldn't be my fault. You can only be hurt by someone else if you care, right? So you'll be fine. But I don't want you to even break a sweat. One more drink and I could stare holes into the back of your head. I wanna reach my fingers into those holes and toss you like a fucking bowling ball down the street. If you shrug at me again I'll kill us both. I am not a suggestion, I am an answer. Get up.
4/8/24
It feels like I’m pulling teeth with you. I deserve a little fucking more, baby, especially when all I’ve been is on my best behavior. Other boys would crawl on their stomachs over hot coals for this, I’m sure. I don’t know who exactly, but I bet they’re out there. Can’t you let me pinch and wiggle? Can’t you let me in to see what’ll budge? You’ve done it before, you can do it again. You’ll relax a bit, you know, acquiesce, and spit a chipped piece of crown into your hand after some coaxing. You toss it in the air like a coin deciding my fate and I will burn my knees digging for it in the grass when it lands. I’ll think you’re ready then, I’ll try to get you to open wide and give me some more, because I’ve worked so hard for you tonight, what with these pretty pictures and these jokes and these fucking fake eyelashes, but you’re a baby refusing to eat. Your lips are taut across your face. You jerk your head side to side to avoid my pleading gaze and my eager fingers. I’ll wait around until you open up again because I have nothing else to do, but I wish you’d think of me and make the game a little easier. I deserve it. You don’t know how lucky you are.
4/8/24
I’m bored of your schtick now… maybe it’s honest, I want to believe you, truly, but you’ve been so withholding… it’s suspicious. Do you understand where I’m coming from? You probably don’t. That’s fine. At a certain point, beggars must relinquish the right to ever choose. You are at that certain point. It’s been too long, your selection has run dry. I’m so sorry baby, I didn’t make it this way. You are cliffside, peering over, and I’m coming up behind you with my car. Would you rather jump, or would you rather I hit you? You can still get in next to me. There’s time. I’ve got your number, baby. Don’t be scared. You can fake it with me.
4/9/24
I’m losing you. I’m letting you go.
4/10/24
Silence is not forthright. You’re obfuscating. Buck up, baby. Use your words. It’s time to tell me that you hate me. I’ll be waiting.
4/10/24
They’re flying me over early now. I’ll be gone for a month. If you ever decide to talk to me again, if you pull your head out of your goddamn ass, maybe I’ll see you when I’m back. Hopefully you make a friend. Hopefully you find a girl you can stomach more than me. I’ll pray for you. You’re pretty, you’ll be fine.
4/10/24
It’s hot under my skin tonight. One day I will wake up and something will have changed, inexplicable under science and logic and even spirit. I will be so beautiful that no one can deny me. I’ll float right through you on my way. It’ll feel like a paper cut. Perpetual singe.
4/12/24
You’re not the only one among us who requires some fucking patience. I was nice to you because I liked you. Give me an answer. Leave a mark. Dare to make a fucking impact, baby, for once. Grip something. Hit me. Be clear. Where’d you go? I’m gonna count down from ten.
4/12/24
Get over yourself. We’re all trudging through the fucking aridity, the static, the great grey between. I’m in it right now. The sand is blowing in my eyes, too. I tried to stay inside but it seeped in under the doorway. It’ll get you anywhere you go. I can teach you so much. I see you. I see you. I see you. I am the closest thing to some-thing that you could’ve ever known, baby. I am the same as you. I am the same as you. I am everything. I am the same as you.
4/12/24
Whip yourself the way I whip myself. I know you do already, baby, but cut a little deeper. For both of us this time. I’m gonna take the night off. No, no, I’ve earned it. You fucked up. You’re all alone out here. There is no one around for miles. You’re not going to make it. You don’t want to fix anything, you don’t want to identify the source, you don’t even want to touch yourself. Who will be there to haul you away when the sun starts to come up and you’re still twirling alone? Who will wait for you to stop panting at the foot of the bed? Who will lie to your face and tell you that your pain is singular? Probably somebody. Probably somebody very pretty, very soon. But tonight, while you stare at the ceiling and try to come up with something good, I want you to dig your nails into your fucking palms until your calves get tight and the back of your neck gets hot and your mouth dries out. Stigmata. Stigmata. Stigmata. Feel bad for yourself. Unburden the load. Feel bad for me. We deserve it.
i love this
writer of the century